The Dinner Table

There is a time in every day that I look forward to, and not just because I am a highly food motivated individual.  It is a time when everyone that is home gathers and eats dinner.  Breakfast and lunch are largely free-for-alls, but dinner is on a schedule.  It isn't particularly fancy or civil, - I am quite sure that Miss Manners would have a lot to say about my son's occasional lack of a shirt, my husband's ball cap and my daughter's elbows, but it is all of us gathering around to discuss the happenings of the day and issues that happen to come up.

Growing up in a home with a mom that majored in home economics and a 1950s era mindset in the 1970s, we ate all our dinners around the table as many nights as possible with the classic 'pork chops and apple sauce' for dinner.  Those were some of the best memories of growing up.  Not that any of the meals were especially memorable, but the feeling that sitting around breaking bread with people that you love and that love you - it was a comfort that fills the soul. The feeling of being part of a group, part of a family.  Knowing that if you weren't there, you would be missed.  Discussing issues, ideas, problems, and funny stories of the day.  No matter where people had been, how good or awful their day had been... we came together, if only for a short while, and shared our happenings.

My husband and I bought a second hand table almost 16 years ago shortly after we bought our first house.  We liked it because it was a very wide table and we could each lay our section of the newspaper on it and not get in each other's way.  Slowly, kid by kid, we have included more leaves and expanded our table. It is now covered with any number of scratches, crayon marks, and paint splotches because it is the main hub of creativity for the kids, but every night it undergoes a transformation and achieves its highest potential as a gathering place for the family to eat.

A favorite thing is when my kids have friends over and we all sit down to dinner together.  It doesn't really matter how many people cram into my house, we always find enough leaves to extend the table as far as we need to.  Sadly enough however, sitting down to a family dinner is an oddity to many of my kids' friends, but they all take to it very quickly.  There are no cell phones allowed, no books, no toys.  You are expected to say "please" and "thank-you" and to ask for things to be passed to you.  Seconds are always allowed as long as everyone has been able to have firsts.  After the ground rules have been established, these kids take to family dinners and we have a blast.  You never know where the discussions may lead you - sometimes I ask the friends for some good blackmail material about my kid and that generally leads to very interesting stories and much discussion.  Sometimes we angle toward politics or religion.  There was one crazy night where the entire meal was devoted to coming up with silly jokes involving names such as, "What are the names of those two guys by the window?"....."Curt 'n Rod".  As I said, it isn't always sophisticated, but I learn more about my kids from the time spent eating dinner together than any other time time of the day.

I made a point the other night of keeping track of the flow of conversation...it went something like this:
Babies - new one in the family
Elizabethan collars for dogs
Fixing Washing machines
Vegetarianism
Medical field and what a complete mess it is
The definitions for the words 'meme', 'truffle' and 'sudoko'
The difference between a "truffle" treat and a "truffle" mushroom
Google's search engine verses all the others and what makes them so popular
High School computer classes and free college credit
College
Peccadillos
Cards and Gifts
Writing Cards
Interspersed with crazy giggling
The thought that we remember the past as being better than it actually was
South Dakota honey

What the segue was from one topic to the other is, at this point, completely unknown and often times there really wasn't one - someone would simply throw out a question or thought that popped up.  There are many times when my sister and brother-in-law come over for dinner and the conversations will extend well beyond dinner and involve a bottle of wine (or two) and the oldest kids sitting around trying to understand the complex threads of discussion that we sometimes end up having about government, religion, wars, economies, history, education, literature, societies.  We joke that we can solve the world's problems over a meal, but in all honesty, that is how many problems do get solved. 

It makes me wonder how problems will get solved when, for many, there are no longer meals that are eaten together, but in front of the television instead.  I know too many families where this is the norm - dinner hastily prepared and eaten in front of a television screen- often alone, based on the stories of many of the kids that visit our house. I know that most of them are generally good kids and happy, but I can't help feeling sorry for them never having this experience of togetherness with their family.  We have lost much in our society that is good, but I sometimes think that this is the worst.  I know that not every family is lucky enough to have jobs that allow them to be home at mealtime every night, but I also know that we find time for the things that are most important to us....what does that say to our kids when we can't find the time to sit down and share part of their day with them?

The Zen of Moss Roses

"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change."   ~Buddha

I have a flower garden plot right outside the door that I consider to be my Zen garden.  It is fairly small, in relation to the rest of the flower and vegetable gardens at least, and it contains one of my favorite flowers - the Moss Rose.  Every year for the last four or five years I have had Moss Roses here and, despite being listed as annuals, they reseed themselves vigorously with their tiny grain-of-sand sized seeds.  What this means, however, is that I have to be exceptionally aware of what these tiny little flowers look like when they sprout.  So this area outside my door starts out each year as a bare patch of dirt and slowly weeds start to sprout up and then, with all the same faith as the proverbial mustard seed, so do the Moss Roses. 

While the rest of the flower garden is growing to knee high and blossoming with flowers, this plot of dirt takes its time and looks mostly like an abandoned lot of patchwork weeds.  If I were to take on trying to make this section completely weed free and beautiful all in one day, it would be overwhelming in every sense of the word.....this is how it became my Zen garden.

It happens often that I am completely overwhelmed by life.  Too much to do, too big of a mess to clean up, too many problems in the world, ....., not enough time, energy or enthusiasm to take them all on.  I will despondently stand on the top step of my porch contemplating the indirect proportion of stuff to be done to my level of energy and slowly sink down on the steps in apathy....which puts me in very close proximity to my bare, weedy plot of moss roses. 

These tiny seeds have been washed out, grown over, walked upon by several errant children....and yet they are here.  Slowly growing, changing, and blossoming despite their challenges.  And so, while stewing in my wretched mind set, my fingers slowly start to pull at each little weed that surrounds them and I carve out a small square of weed free area that then extends into the next weed free area and, one listless moment after another, I slowly clear an area that allows the moss roses to become the gorgeous flowers they are.

What often happens while weeding these minuscule little seedlings is that I stop thinking of all that is overwhelming and wrong in the world and suddenly my mind starts to focus on nothing at all - no worries, no plans, no things to be done, no problems, only the slow, methodical, careful weeding from between the tiny seedlings.  I start to see my life in relation to this weedy patch of ground and realize that it takes slow, methodical, careful work to eventually come to a place in one's life that is free of weeds and open to the air and sunshine.  It can't happen in a day.   And then slowly it refocuses in on the other things that I actually can do that need doing and, eventually, I pull myself up off my knees and, feeling better, meander to the next garden area most in need of attention. 

Pulled from my despondency by a tiny plant that will evolve into a beautiful flower. My bare, weed patch of a life takes on a little of the energy of these hardy little plants that survive the brutal winter, take root amidst a washout of sand and dry dirt and challenge the weeds around them to gain light and air enough to grow, but it never happens all in one day and the enlightenment that they provide doesn't last indefinitely....it all takes time, and year after year it is the same.  A quiet circle of growing, weeding, flowering, seeding out, dying off, surviving the winter, and growing again....and I am part of that circle for these little seeds, and they are part of mine.  Would I survive without them? Yes.  Would they survive without me? Yes.  But together we are better - I pull up the weeds that surround them and they pull me up when my darkest thoughts surround me - and together we grow.

Dandilion Diversity

I am convinced that if you were actually trying  to grow dandelions, they would be the hardest flowers to grow.  Right now, they are everywhere, and what is worse - the seeds are everywhere.  I just spent part of the morning pulling dandelions with my favorite of all garden tools (my wicked dandelion puller) while simultaneously being horrified at the literal carpet of dandelion seeds that are spread on the ground like a shag rug.  Clearly, it is never ending.  It is probably a good thing that I don't live in town or my neighbors would hate me.  I refuse to use chemical spray on my lawn or garden regardless of how many dandelions emerge.  As much as I dislike them, I highly prefer them to the chemicals that we tend to haphazardly spray around. When comparing dandelion to weed killer my list goes something like this:

Dandelion pros -

• green,
• pretty yellow flowers,
• white puffs of seeds that kids like to make wishes on,
• good to eat,
• can make into wine. 

Weed killer pros -

• fewer weeds, 
•  able to keep up with the Jones. 

Dandelion cons -

• dandelions growing everywhere you don't want them, namely the gardens. 

Weed killer cons -

• chemicals in the environment,
• monoculture lawns that provide no beneficial value to pollinators,
• chemicals in the kids and pets that play on the lawn,
• Chemicals in the worms that live in the lawn...and then in the birds that eat the worms...and then the cats that eat the birds that ate the worm that absorbed the chemical that lives in the house that Jack built....

Looking at that list, it makes the decision not to spray a simple one for me.  Are they unsightly? Depends upon how you look at it.  Watching my seven-year-old run laughing and kicking all the dandelion seed heads into the air until she is surrounded by a veritable mist of floating seeds...I don't think they are unsightly at all.  The dandelions also provide my children a much needed way of earning allowance or time on the computer - 30 seconds computer time or 1 cent for every dandelion pulled out of my gardens and it only counts if the entire root is there.  This has been known to keep several kids busy for quite some time and it cleans up the garden nicely. 

It fascinates me to see the amount of money and time that people spend on having the perfect carpet of lawn.  Seriously? This is what we focus on?  Waste of time, energy and water in my opinion.  I love the current move to change over lawns into vegetable gardens - more interesting to look at and clearly better for the environment and our health.  We need to get over our obsession with having a perfect golf course lawn surrounding our houses. 

I am reminded of an anecdote that I read sometime last fall:

"Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns:

God: Hey St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect "no maintenance" garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. The begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week.

God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, Sir.
 
God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You are not going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. The haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
 
God: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. Sister Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

Sister Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real stupid movie about.....

God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis."

I think of this a lot when I go into garden centers and DIY stores and smell the chemicals that line the aisles and see the bags of mulch.  What a screwed up world we live in these days when maintaining our perfectly green lawns is more important than the millions of people worldwide could use that $38.95 we just spent on weed killer to actually grow a useful crop that could feed them and their whole family. Where are the priorities?  I try my best to find a silver lining in some things, but when it comes to this....it is simply depressing.

I think I will make a few wishes that humanity will someday actually pay attention to this world and what we do to it, and go blow some dandelion seeds around.